Am I in a Healthy or Unhealthy Relationship with my Significant Other?

I shared a post today on Facebook that I felt was quite good.  It identified red flags that indicate when you are in an unhealthy relationship.

My sweet husband of 40 years.  Who wears the pants in our family?

http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/family-relationships/if-these-30-signs-sound-familiar-you-need-to-get-out-of-your-relationship-asap/ss-BBvJIV8?ocid=spartandhp

Domestic Violence is on the rise.  I did a significant amount of research last semester while attending graduate school on the prevalence and impact of sexual victimization on youth.  From one study, I learned that more than two thirds of respondents from a national study given to over 5,000 youth, 12-18 years of age and dating, reported being victimized by their partner at one point in their relationship (Taylor & Mumford, 2016, p. 973). This data suggests that youth from all walks of life, independent of levels of education, family’s access to internet, renting or owning a residence, whether residing in an urban or non-urban region of the United States, see violence and aggressive behaviors as a normal part of life. 

So, after identifying some of the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, what can be done if you are in one and even more importantly what are the signs of a healthy relationship?    What if you are married to someone who makes all the important decisions and considers their ideas to be consistently superior to yours.  Should you run, not walk, to a divorce attorney?   Everyone feels occasionally disrespected or underappreciated in their relationships.   Sadly, there are individuals who suffer from a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, where they truly believe all those around them are privileged to be in their presence and that they pay for that privilege by acquiescing to all their demands.   They also tend to believe that all decisions they make are right simply because they have made them.  If they are the least bit unhappy, then surely others are to blame.  The following site explains well what may be going on with them and why you feel a constant need to submit as you walk on eggshells. 

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

On the other hand, in less serious circumstances, we find that all of us have selfish tendencies that emerge and we want what we want when we want it.  When we question whether the relationship we are in is dysfunctional, it would also be a good time to look at ourselves.  The following quote by Brigham Young always causes me pause.  When I am honest with myself, I often find my sadness has more to do with my own behavior, use of time and current attitude than the one I am irked at. 

                When you. . . are tried and temped, when parents and children have a spirit come upon them that irritates them, that causes them to have bad feelings, disagreeable, unhappy and miserable sensations, causing them to say, “We wish it was some way else; we wish our circumstances were different, we are not happy.”  I desire to tell you that your own conduct is the cause of all this.  “But”, says one, “I have done nothing wrong, nothing evil?”  No matter whether you have or not, you have given way to a spirit of temptation.  There is not that man or woman in this congregation, or on the face of the earth, that has the privilege of the holy Gospel, and lives strictly to it, whom all hell can make unhappy.  You cannot make the man, woman, or child unhappy, who possesses the Spirit of the living God; unhappiness is caused by some other spirit,  Brigham Young, June 15, 1856, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 3, p. 343. 

Is there a place for order in families?   I believe there is.  I belong to and subscribe to an LDS philosophy that is not all that popular in today’s world.  I believe that a righteous man should assume a role of leadership in his family.   I believe that children should be obedient to their parents.  Yes, I actually believe in a patriarchal order, though patriarchy has come to represent all that is wrong in today’s world.  Done well, however, this system can be functional and sanctifying for both husband and wife and can still be a partnership where each member is valued and of equal worth.   We see that type of organization in every successful company.  There is a CEO for the sake of order and efficiency.   But, a man is a fool if he doesn’t see his wife as a capable intellectual, spiritual and financial adviser. 

Where do we find relief?  With all my being, I feel it is in our personal relationship with God.  It is in that relationship that we can see things more clearly.  It is in that relationship that we can get our errand and know how to proceed.  It is in that relationship that we acquire the abilities to love, forgive and influence for good. 

The measure of our worth is not in getting others to comply with our requests, not even our children.  It is in giving them the best opportunity to make good choices.  Sometimes that requires difficult conversations.  Sometimes it means not reinforcing negative patterns of behavior or financing those things we are morally opposed to.  It certainly doesn’t mean being someone’s doormat.  My life changed dramatically when I realized I wasn’t placed on earth to please all those about me.  It was to learn that my goal should be to please God and when I keep that focus, I find that truly, His burden is easy and His yoke is light, Matthew 11:40-41.  

Is Nice Enough? Thoughts on Mother's Day Observances

Mother’s Day has always been a difficult one for me and this year was no exception.   It was always a day that I appreciated and recognized my mother as the perfect mother for me.  As usual there are no observable reasons for my annual roller coaster ride on that day.  My children spoil me with tributes and presents.  My husband celebrates me beyond what I deserve.  My children are wonderful individuals and my grandchildren plentiful, bright and amazing.  I have everything that I need to be content and yet, on that day, I am not content.

Our family ten years ago

Some of our mothers and future mothers today.

My two youngest daughters with my oldest grandchild

My sweet husband of 40 years

I think the question and discomfort always centers on whether I feel I am doing what I need to in respect to mothering.  Being LDS, we have specific doctrine that identifies the importance of this calling for women.  It is a foundational belief that I do not doubt.  I recalled having the importance of this principle reaffirmed to me back in the 80's.  I'd had a dream that let me know in no uncertain terms that I was to continue to make this calling a priority.  When then President of the LDS Church, Ezra Taft Benson, reaffirmed the importance of this doctrine, it was further confirmation of what I already knew.  emp.byui.edu/WILLIAMSG/Talks/etb_tothemothers.htm  Though I was committed to helping children at risk prior to marriage, was Phi Beta Kappa, and had both a teaching degree and a social service worker's license, I knew my greatest contribution to society would be in putting the majority of my energies into rearing children in the home.   I had even begun part time graduate studies at that time just two nights a week, but when it came time to take them to Day Care for two full days, so I could complete the practicum portion, everything in my being told me this was not the season in my life to do that.  During my prayers, a succinct thought came to my mind with clarity.  "Right now I could use you more without a master's degree than with one."   I ended my graduate studies. By far, rearing children full time was the best use of my time and energies through the years.  

So back to the question at hand, am I being the kind of mother that I need to be.  Am I promoting this doctrine and sound doctrine to others to the degree I need to.  I have found that I don't embody the traditional image that most Latter-day Saints hold up as a perfect Mormon Mother.  I never fully conform with the ideal promoted by most Mother's Day talks given over the pulpit on that day.    For that reason, Mother's Day always requires significant self-introspection.    Am I pleasing my Father in Heaven, in the use of my time and energies?  Am I near where I should be?  If I am not, can I return?  What is the price?  Am I willing to pay it?"

This year, I pondered those questions for over a week and even asked my married children to spend Mother's Day with their own families or their in-laws on Sunday because I still hadn't answered those questions sufficiently.  They ignored my requests, gathered and honored me and the mothers in our family anyway.  The cause of my sadness was that I worried that I had ruffled too many feathers, offended too often and too easily by sharing my thoughts too often.   I wished that I been more consecrated, more careful, made fewer mistakes.  I was not the woman, I believe I could have been, should have been. 

Mother’s Day has come and gone and I have my equilibrium back.  I pondered my favorite Mother’s Day talk which was given by my daughter Shanelle, years ago.  She said, “Because my mother was imperfect, and was open about that fact, she taught me that she needed a Savior.  That made it okay for me to need him too.”  I considered all the Mother’s Day talks I heard at church last Sunday.  Many promoted a good mother is one who sacrifices, who serves untiringly and loves unconditionally.  But, is that enough?  Is being nice enough?  I believe, it is not enough.  It is to do what is needed to establish a personal connection to heaven to the point that we can take the spirit for our guide.  It is to realize that we will see through a glass darkly as the Apostle Paul explains and we will go forward making the best decisions we can based on those feelings and that which is promoted by prophets.  It is to have the courage not to meet every request made of us, but rather to focus on that which is crucial to the development of our faith and that of our family’s.   It is a willingness to say that which is not popular, a willingness to offend for His sake.  But, to say those things in meekness and with love unfeigned.  It is to allow agency to those around us to worship who and in what manner they choose, but not compromise our values in the process.  It is a delicate balance only achieved as we avail ourselves of the influence of the Holy Ghost.  It is a willingness to have difficult, but respectful discussions.   It is to check in with the Lord each morning for help and guidance and to return, report and repent each evening. 

I realized that my days of  “mothering” will never be complete, though I am now the mother of adult children as my youngest will turn 18 soon.  My foremost desire is that being a mother will be my eternal job description.
I feel there are many ways to support and promote the importance of motherhood by both men and women, even women who have never married, are divorced or have not had the opportunity to bear children.   I didn't know that I would feel impressed to return graduate school 30 years later and I hope to use what I have learned to strengthen families.   In going back to school,  I didn’t realize how unpopular a conservative posture would be in most academic circles  these days.   This video made me laugh as a result of my recent educational experience:  https://youtu.be/iKcWu0tsiZM  The thing I have learned is that if our children are not well grounded in faith before they leave their homes, they will not be equal to the challenges their testimonies will face as they further their educations.

Someday, I hope to be welcomed home to the plaudit: "Well done, thou good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee  ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord", (Matthew 25:21). 

Surely the most important of these things is the bearing and rearing of children. 

The following questions may reveal why the gospel fails to sometimes bring us the peace and progress we hope for:

• For those who are mothers, do we judge our worthiness as a mother by the strength of your children's testimonies and consistency of their good behavior?
• As a woman, do we measure our worth solely by the feedback we receive from others as to the worthiness of our offerings?
• Have we given up on others' capacities to make needed changes?  Do we believe we have the capacity to make needed changes?
• Do we feel our happiness is limited by the choices that others around us are currently making? 

I believe that answering affirmatively to the any of the above questions indicates we have not wholly understood the  potential of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30). 

I bear witness that involving the Lord more in the details of our life will ease our burdens and increase our joy in being a woman and in all other aspects of our lives. 

 

What I Want My Children to Know

Reflections after my first year of graduate school.  What I want my children to know:

It has been a momentous year for me and such a privilege to sneak in a graduate degree in my old age.  I have loved learning more about social work, social advocacy and myself.  I also had some interesting things thrown in the mix that I didn’t anticipate.  I was able to defend the rights of those who have religious and moral views.  They were  virtually the only ones who weren’t being treated with respect in the academic community, for they are considered responsible for most of the oppression in the world.  I would never have known how strong the adversary’s hold is on the hearts of the children of men without this experience.  I have never seen the words of the scriptures and the words of the prophets so utterly fulfilled wherein evil was called good and good evil.  Yet, I could see the view from those who experience oppression more clearly, as well as the importance of agency.  If we remain on the sidelines and fail to promote God and His ways, we are not going to prove valiant in the testimony of Christ.  There is no way to do that effectively and have our efforts consecrated to our gain without a connection to heaven, or from a position of pride.  There is no way to have a connection to heaven unless we are living our lives in a way that the spirit is operable in our lives.  I know the capacity of the righteous to afflict.  If I were to say which experiences in my life were the most difficult to bear, I would say they involved “righteous” individuals. 

One of the things we talk about frequently in graduate school are the fruits of faulty thinking.  For Christian individuals, the desire to be a good Christian is often uppermost in our minds.  We see growing evil and we don’t want to be swept away.  We are aware that this is a time of winnowing and a day of choosing, just as it was in the meridian of time.  As I get older, there are some observations I have made as to what might be stumbling blocks to progress among those who desire to prove faithful.  There is often a difference between culture and doctrine; there is often truth mixed with the philosophies of men.  They include what I like to call incomplete recipes, which can become our default mode and often negate the need for greater reliance upon the spirit.  It is often the subtle things that get in the way of the peace that is promised to the faithful. 

My daughters who are also attending school at this time.

A few of those stumbling blocks that preclude peace and spiritual progress:

1.       Believing that the most prudent thing to do is always the worthiest thing to do.  Prudence is not a complete recipe for faithfulness.  We often think in terms of the greater the sacrifice, the greater the ultimate reward.  We need to remember that prudence isn’t always referred to in a positive way in the scriptures.  We would never have had children or had the courage to move into our various homes, if we waited until we could afford them.  Yet, the spirit was strong in telling us where and when to move and when to bear.  I see a recurring theme in the scriptures, often the righteous had a choice between prudence and the exercise of their faith. 
2.       Seeking to avoid offending others at all costs.  If we see a bully, we need to speak up.  We need to not turn a blind eye, when someone is doing something illegal or immoral.  To say or do nothing, is to offend God.  Those unwilling to offend, cannot please God.  The trick is to avoid offending needlessly or being blind to our own weakness or selfishness.  Again, the spirit can help us know when and what to say and how to say it.
3.       Desiring to provide a “Disneyland” childhood for our children.  One thing I have observed is that children enjoy doing service.  I have never seen a happier child than my grandson Henry when he is helping me wash windows or Andrew when he is washing the car with me.  Of course, those things involve water and a trigger.   Cell phones are not entitlements, they are privileges.  Too many families are over scheduled in the pursuit of fun, for the benefit of their children.  However, they can end up producing entitled, self-centered children, the very opposite of their intention.  I am seeing this across the board in families in general.  I feel it was almost a blessing, we didn’t have lots of money to go to exotic places and have lots of expensive toys.  Less is often more.
4.      Putting other things ahead of family.  Many serve the community at large at the expense of their families.  This list is literally endless as to the things that compete with things that matter most.   There needs to an order of priority to our service and the spirit will help us in that order.   There is even an order as to family obligations.  For example, Bryan and I have a greater obligation for children at home than for those who are married.   I was often torn between serving my children and my widowed mother.  With prayer, I found that I could serve my mother with my children in tow.  Many find it easier to love and serve a stranger than a difficult family member. 
5.      Avoiding difficult or substantive conversations.   I am a broken record  as to this subject.  If there is one thing I would change, even in my family where we gather frequently, it would be to have even more frequent and meaningful conversations.  Meaningful conversations require we do some homework on our own and they require a time and place to have those conversations.  My oldest daughter Jeanette and I have seen the powerful effects of that premise of gathering and sharing while attending college this year.  You study and then gather to share.  There must be a “buy in”, however.  To get the grade, we must participate.  In this process, we see and learn things we are unable to learn alone.  I believe it is the very foundation of Zion.  It is something that should be primarily taking place between couples and children living at home.  But, I hope you will consider it with both sides of your extended families of origin.   I had a class assignment that almost killed me this semester.  It was a “group project”.  I had a few migraines because of it.  One man didn’t do his part, so we did it for him and then he came through at the last minute which necessitated a total revision of the entire paper.  I don’t know the result of our grade yet, but I do know that I learned more from that project that any other assignment this entire year.  I had things to share they needed and they brought skills, knowledge and perspectives that I couldn’t have arrived at on my own.  Even the "slacker" made an incredible contribution and changed the tide of the research project.  It is never too late to join in.  There is no one so bright, so righteous, that they don’t need others in their family to help smooth off the rough edges.  Families are under attack, yet family is the very vehicle that can help refine and prepare us most for eternity.   I sincerely believe that each member of a family is there for a reason, both for what that individual can receive and what they can give.  We often learn the most from the very ones who provide us the most stretching. 

Love, Mom

What are your most important identies?

My daughters and I watched the LDS Women's Conference last night.  Addie joined us for the first time as she is 8 years old today. 

This past week for my graduate social work reflexive class, I was asked to ponder my three most important identities that I think about most.  As I considered this assignment, I choose the following in order of importance.  The first was that I identify myself as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The second was my identity as a woman.  The third was that of being an older adult.  Then we were to discuss how these three identities intersect with one another.  I wrote the following about that intersection: 

“These three identities consistently intersect in my life and “function simultaneously”, (Riggs, 2013, p. 229).   My religious socialization led me to want to be the healthiest I could be physically, socially, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.   It included become educated, knowledgeable of governments, language and even manners.    My religious beliefs defined what it meant to be a woman and ordered my priorities of first loving God, putting family next and then striving to become a good neighbor and citizen.  It helped define my focus as an older person who, sooner than later, will meet my maker and be judged as one who was either valiant in the testimony of Jesus Christ or not.  I believe that living a righteous, holy life will make one worthy of an ultimate belonging to and place in God’s family in the world to come.  I have read and written much about the establishment of Zion.  To be worthy of a Zion society, one must be pure in heart and willing to prove that that he or she will love and serve the Lord at every hazard and serve their fellow man.  The main premise of Zion is that there should be no rich or poor among them, thus you can’t promote Zion without promoting equality.  That goal, to me, can partially be accomplished by seeking the betterment of all mankind in the social work profession.”

Next, we were to explain each identity in terms of whether these were oppressed identities or not.  You have to consider that every reference to the word, “patriarchy” is considered consistent with extreme oppression in social justice courses.    My answer:

The advantages of memberships in these groups, I feel, have outweighed any disadvantages to me.  I enjoy being older.  My being true to LDS religious beliefs helped me to honor my commitments to my marriage vows and I feel this positively impacted the emotional security of my children.  Being true to LDS health standards, I believed increased both my physical and emotional capacities in positive ways.  I am free of any addictions to substances, gambling or pornography.   Because of a focus on service, I sought to improve others’ circumstances.  One primary interest was in helping children at risk beginning in my twenties before marriage and again in my mid-fifties.   I feel strongly it is possible to be a good social worker and have strong religious convictions.   One of the dogmas I believe in, is that everyone should be free to live according to the “dictates of their own conscience”, (Smith, Joseph, 1838, The Articles of Faith 11).   I have always had challenges to my beliefs and limited persecution.  On two occasions, I was an object of discrimination in the work place because I was both older and female.

That response so inadequately portrays my incredible gratitude for the freedoms that are mine because I know that as a woman, my most important contributions to society center on fulfilling my roles as wife and mother.  Though we were limited to one income for thirty years, and at times could only afford to frost one in three homemade cakes, it was well worth any sacrifice we made.  We didn’t have money for the latest and greatest gaming.  We only made it to Disneyland a few times.  But, to have gathered up my little ones and taken them to Day Care would have ripped out my heart.  To have additional priesthood responsibilities would have been oppressive.  I had plenty to do and I didn’t feel at all lacking for something in my life to feel fulfilled.  What I was doing required my best thoughts, my finest efforts and study, and my most sincere prayers.  When it is necessary to be a working mother, due to unusual circumstances, God has a way of making that up to both you and your children. But, I felt that no talent or potential good I could have been in society or positive attention I thought I might bring to the Church or mankind in general, was more important than this.   I didn’t come to earth to say or do things that would make people like me.  I came to earth to bear witness of those things that I believe will bring happiness and peace in this life and Eternal Life in the world to come.  I love being a woman, I subscribe to the doctrine and teachings of the LDS faith and I am hoping, in this season of my life, to learn and do those things that will better prepare me to meet God.

With love, Vicki Robinson

Oppression vs. Freedom

Things have changed since we first went to college in the 70's

I have appreciated the readings I've been assigned in my graduate social work classes about the history of oppression in America.  It has taken generations for Americans to see how “justice for all” applies to all races, national origins, religious affiliations, genders and sexual orientations.  At least I thought we were making consistent progress toward that end as a nation, until recently.   What sometimes saddens me is that the oppressed sometimes look for and find someone else to oppress.  Every few years my husband buys baby chicks as we raise our own eggs.  I hate the pecking order.  One poor chicken is always the low "chick" on the totem pole. 

I feel there is always a place for character and respect, for decorum and sensitivity.  Our classroom climate feels  etter to me the last few weeks, since my professor decided to ask class members to subdue their language in class at my suggestion.  This class in particular had reached a level of casualness and frequent use of profanity that I felt was interfering with, not enhancing the learning process.  I had previously shared with him that I was uncomfortable with how frequently the F-word was used in our weekly class.  We still have a few, interestingly mostly women, who continue to use the word at least once each time we meet.  My question is whether or not there are circumstances, where they refrain from using it and what would those circumstances be.  It turns out, after doing some research, that their right to use whatever language they choose does transcend my right, and others like me, to be in a learning atmosphere that we feel is appropriate for a university classroom.  To secure good grades and an MSW degree, must we attend a class where daily hearing profanity can be part of the deal and what are our options?

. 

Audrie, left, will soon be applying to Graduate School

Alyse, out youngest daughter, will be applying for college next year.

Jonathan, our grandson, will attend  after he returns from his LDS mission in Madagasgar.

Would I recommend a "green light" institution?

I know we as university students have a code of conduct we are to abide by and I wondered if profanity was addressed in that code and did that standard differ from university to university.  This topic has been an interesting one to research.  I learned that use of profanity wasn't addressed in my school's code.  I wondered whether it is addressed at other schools.  As I googled the topic, use of profanity in colleges and universities, I happened upon the following link that explains whether your college is a green, yellow or red light school, as pertaining to free speech:  https://www.thefire.org/spotlight-on-speech-codes-2017/  I learned that my school was considered a green light school. 

It has been interesting to feel among a cultural minority because of my conservative views about language and at the mercy of the majority and existing laws and standards.  I suddenly thought of an experience I had 40 years ago, while working at DCFS.   It was an option that a supervisor came up with.  I had never complained or said anything to him about my values.  He just knew.  We would have weekly staff meetings and after all essential items on the agenda were covered, he would invite me to leave if I would like.   He said, we are now going to exchange some information that you might find offensive.  (They sometimes liked to share off color jokes.) I simply thanked him and gratefully went to my desk.

I have included some of the things I found during my research:

Martin v. Parrish, 805 F.2d 583 (5th Cir. 1986)

The court upheld the dismissal of an economics instructor, holding that his use of profane language in a college classroom did not fall within the scope of First Amendment protection because it did not constitute speech on matters of public concern, and the language in question "was not germane to the subject matter in his class and had no educational function." In addition, the language was not protected because "it was a deliberate, superfluous attack on a 'captive audience' with no academic purpose or justification."

I also learned that the University of Southern Mississippi specifically addresses language as part of their school's code of conduct.  They are designated a yellow light school since adding a free speech and assembly policy in 2016.
https://www.usm.edu/about 

THE CREED AT SOUTHERN MISS

I belong to a community of scholars at The University of Southern Mississippi.

I will demonstrate integrity and determination in all academic pursuits.

I will appreciate the value of differences among people, customs and viewpoints and oppose hatred, bigotry and bias toward others.

I will exhibit behavior and choose language that demonstrates respect for fellow members of the Southern Miss community.

I will respect others by honoring their rights, privacy and belongings.

I will value human dignity in my academic, social and employment settings.

I commit to exhibiting civil behavior, demonstrating responsible citizenry, and doing my part to achieve a positive and secure living and learning environment for all.

This school however, just recently added the following: 

 Free Speech and Assembly Policy

 Free Speech and Assembly Policy, July 2016

A. The University has established high visibility areas on campus in order to facilitate robust debate and the free exchange of ideas. These “free speech zones” may be used by any person, including non-students and other campus guests:

a. Weathersby Lawn

b. Union Plaza 14

c. Shoemaker Square

d. Kennard-Washington Lawn

e. Centennial Lawn

B. These may be used without permission from the University so long as the area has not been previously reserved or scheduled for a particular function, no sound amplification is used, no structure is erected, and the participants do not violate other University policies. For a person using these free speech zones to obtain prior permission, they should visit the Dean of Students’ office 48 hours in advance in order to make adequate arrangements for safety and security and to insure the space desired is available. Any speaker may be denied or asked to leave if the proposed speech would constitute an immediate and serious danger to the institution's orderly operation by the speaker's incitement of such actions by:

1. The willful damage or destruction or seizure and subversion of the institution's buildings or other property;

2. The forcible disruption or impairment or interference with the institution's regularly scheduled classes or other educational functions;

3. The physical harm, coercion, intimidation or other invasion of lawful rights of the institution's officials, faculty members or students;

4. Other campus disorder of a violent nature. Nothing in this section shall be interpreted as limiting the right of student expression elsewhere on the campus so long as the expressive activities or related student conduct does not violate any other applicable University policies.

https://youtu.be/fjKjU5UHMb0  Here is a video that includes their creed and reasons for language standards.  I loved the standards they encourage. 

I recall sharing in class that I didn’t think the use of explicit language to this degree would be found at other local MSW programs such as those offered at other local niversities.  It turns out I was right.  The Fire Organization website puts “Going Green” in a whole new context.  I learned that my university is among a minority of Universities throughout the United States that have earned a “Green Light” designation.  The Fire Organization calls this progress.  It is quite literally to have few, if any, bars on the tongue no matter how distressing it might be to the individuals present.  They go into detail about free speech zones and their current efforts to make all universities “Green”. 

How can we effectively fight oppression and privilege?

I am a student in a masters of social work program.  I am clearly the oldest student in our cohort.  I received my bachelor's degree way back in the 70's during the time when the "New Morality" was at its heyday.   I have almost completed my first year.

Walking the halls of my graduate school

We are studying oppression, racism and privilege.  It is sobering.  I am also saddened by how oppressed groups are currently being treated in America.  I wrote the following post to my teacher.  We have to respond to what we are learning and how it applies to us. 

I have enjoyed the readings and the discussions in class about oppression, racism and privilege.  I especially liked a student's comment about the black man’s experience of looking down at his newborn and knowing for the first time he was being looked at without being seen as a black man, just a man.  So much of how we see the world is socially constructed.  Being a sociology major, over forty years ago, helps me look through different, but still yet incomplete, lenses ever since.   One of my favorite readings was about the woman who was Latina, but didn’t have the same experience of other Latinas because she was white.    How can we improve upon the accepted solution, as seen by most, written by Peggy McIntosh that our work simply consists of interventions that “will allow ‘them’ to be more like ‘us’?”   I don’t know what the “silver bullet” is, but my faith tells me that if I am humble, God will help me know what my part is, what I can do to help.   The answer, however, is not to behave oppressively toward the privileged, but we must fight oppression.  The “What’s in it for Us” article reminds me of a poem I wrote entitled “What’s in it for me?”, decades ago.  The last stanzas are as follows:

What’s in it for me, what’s in it for me”?

Love, joy and peace through giving and growing

and enduring it well;

Through patience and faith in His presence

we’ll dwell.

Why can’t they see, surely, they must,

that they have been given a high sacred trust

to tend this earth, to care, to grow,

to realize they’ll reap just as they sow.

One day we’ll hear them weep, wail and cry:

“That’s what was in it for me, O Lord, O Lord,

“Why couldn’t I see!

“Why didn’t you tell me?

“Why didn’t you scold?”

“I did, I did!  But your hearts were so cold!

Your eyes were open but you just wouldn’t see

that what you have done unto others,’

Ye have done unto Me.

I think that Melba Pattillo Beals’ book, “Warriors Don’t Cry”, should be required reading.  I have never read anything that better helped me understand what blacks in America have gone through, and yet go through, than this book.  Additionally, I have never read anything that so perfectly demonstrates how to fight oppression.   It was a combination of assertiveness, determination and dignity, made possible as they relied upon a higher power for their marching orders.   Vicki Robinson

That was my post.   Sidenote:   I had addressed my desire to clean up language in our classroom, a few weeks prior.  Definitely not a popular move on my part.  But the teacher responded by asking the class to refrain from using a particular word, you know the one that is still considered to be the most vulgar in the English language, but is increasingly becoming the universal modifier for every emotion ranging from joy and wonder to disdain and disgust. 

But far worse than language is the belief that some people are unworthy of regard.   It produces behavior unbecoming of a Saint.