The Science of Happy Living

As humans we are almost hardwired to think about self-preservation and protecting our loved ones.  These days there are lots of things to worry about that can rob us of our peace and hopefulness.  The problem is that what we consistently think about impacts both our feelings and behaviors greatly.  As a society, when we hit our pillows at night, we often find ourselves solely thinking about what went wrong during our day rather than what went well.  We focus our attention on the negative events of the past and/or upon the fear of what might happen tomorrow.   This limits our ability to engage with the world around us in positive ways and embrace the opportunities to make good choices in the here and now.  We are losing the art of joyful living.

Being involved in the social sciences, education and social work has been a part of my life for decades.  I received a BA degree in sociology and psychology in the mid-seventies.  Now that we are soon to be empty-nesters, I have accepted employment as a therapist.  What I find especially exciting is that with increasing technology we are now better able to see the impact of specific interventions on the brain.  We can see and document what really works.  Sometimes these things seem small or too simple, but their impact can be dramatic in reducing anxious and depressive symptoms.  One of those interventions is a practice many therapists call, “Three Good Things”.  It is a simple practice of taking time to write down three things that happened to you during the day prior to going to bed.  This video briefly explains this practice.  https://youtu.be/ZOGAp9dw8Achttps://youtu.be/ZOGAp9dw8Ac

The data is quite astounding as to the benefits of this practice.  For example, daily writing three positive things nightly has been documented as being equally effective as taking Prozac, except that the effects are longer lasting and one’s capacity for restful sleep is improved.  For additional information you can Google “Three Good Things” and Duke University:

https://today.duke.edu/2016/02/resilience

The following video goes a little deeper about the data behind the power of positive psychology and our ability to enhance our capacity to experience joy and well-being in life.  I highly recommend you watch this:

 https://youtu.be/e0LbwEVnfJA

It is never too late to learn the principles upon which happiness is based.  How does this information relate to my being a  wife, mother and grandmother?  How does this relate to my being a Christian?  The ability to make positive changes in our lives and evoke positive change in others is greatly enhanced when can see the strengths and positive attributes that already exist and build upon them.  The very challenge that plagues us most in our life may be the very impetus we need to dig deep and prayerfully determine a better course of action to obtain a better condition of life.  Is this what is meant by Matthew 11:28-30?
"Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." 

One of my favorite scriptures is from the LDS Doctrine and Covenants, section 78 verse 19:
"And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even a hundred fold, yea, more."  

I love to ask the following in my morning prayer:  Teach me what I am prepared to learn this day that is most expedient for me to understand.  Help me to know out of all the things I should repent of, what I should focus on most today and finally, of all things I might do today, guide me in the best use of my time. 

I actually write down what I think I might be hearing after asking those questions.  When I am sincere in that effort, I find I don't run out of hope before the end of the day, even though I fail to live a perfect day ever.  I find that the best conversations we have as a couple, or as a family are those conversations that focus on ways we think we see the hand of God in our lives and we share what we think we are learning.

Mother's Day - Always a day of strong emotion.

It was such a sweet Mother's Day. I got to visit with each of my children in person or by phone for those that live out of state.  I got to hug and kiss so many of my grandchildren. 

Daughter, Corinne and her husband and children are visiting from Connecticut this week.

Yet, it is always day filled with strong emotion. When I consider whether I gave my children the best upbringing I could have given them, I always feel I fall short.  I don’t think I have ever lived a perfect day as a mother.  This reflection is not a onetime thing I do yearly, it is most often a daily thing I think about when I pray in the morning and go to bed at night. My daily thoughts question what kind of wife, daughter, friend, neighbor and all-around citizen am I really?.  There are too many times I gave too much and other times I gave too little.  There were times when I made decisions out of fear or selfishness or were simply the fruits of pride.  But, I prayed often, and I wanted to keep the covenants I made to God and my spouse at the time of my marriage.  I have loved my life and have loved the principles of truth I have come to know.  I look forward to each day and upon awakening, I look forward to what I can learn that day, even when I am in the fields of adversity because that is where the greatest truths are often mined. 

My daughters and a daughters-in-law number 10 in all  

Today, I just took the opportunity to mostly observe my daughters and daughters-in-law and the men in their lives as it relates to their dedication to the concept of motherhood.  My daughters who are married, or soon to be married, have chosen men who have the courage to become fathers and who have and will continue to support them in their role of mothering. My unmarried daughters are looking for men who will support them in the role of motherhood and desire to live by faith.  These unmarried daughters also support their sisters who are mothers by babysitting and encouraging them in the daily caring of their children.  My husband was willing to shoulder the financial burden of our family while we had children who weren’t yet in school full-time.  My sons and sons-in-law have committed to do the same.  My daughters are willing to suspend involvement in careers and time-consuming commitments and/or hobbies during that crucial time as well.  Even at home business ventures can be terribly distracting. It takes literal miracles in today’s world to put first things first.  But, miracles were and always have been required of the faithful, but imperfect, from the time of Adam forward.  I believe that taking 30 years off from outside employment during these crucial years was the best decision we ever made as a couple.  There are times and circumstances where this isn’t possible, and the Lord will compensate that family in a host of ways.  Prayer and faith will help each couple make the best decisions for the welfare of their family.  Those prayers will include how to spend their time, how to parent, and where to live.

My oldest daughter, Jeanette, with her children.  They visited with the oldest son today who is serving a mission in Madagascar.  

Alyse is our youngest.  She will graduated from High School this year.  I just graduated with my Master of Social Work Degree.

What sacrifices are we willing to make in behalf of our children?  I love my husband’s definition of sacrifice:  It is simply giving up something for something better.  In the end, we hope to learn that we chose the better part. 

Premarital Advice to my Daughters and their Potential Future Spouses.

Our Three Youngest Daughters

Seven of our ten children are married and we have our three youngest daughters who are unmarried.  The ages at which our older children met and married their spouses ranged from being 19 years of age to 30.  I am a therapist and it seems that each day I become more aware of the challenges that couples face in today's world.

I met and married this young man in January of 1976.

This doesn't necessarily mean we are especially good at marriage, but we are good at commitment. 

I was so pleasantly surprised at what a good father Bryan was.  I couldn't have anticipated that.

  

Bryan and I have a family motto which we summarize in two words, "checking in”.  This motto is influenced by our favorite family scripture from the Book of Mormon, Alma 37:37:

“Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings and he will direct thee for good, yea, when, thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep and when thou riseth in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day."

Certainly the decision of who to marry is one of those decisions we should "check in" about.  I was greatly appreciated the words of President Kimball, who was the LDS prophet when I was dating and considering who to marry:

"In selecting one's companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all decisions, this one is not wrong.  In a true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as hearts."  He went on to say, "Some young people think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills, but true marriage is based on happiness that is more than that:  the kind of happiness that comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness."  President Spencer W. Kimball

We aren’t on earth to simply seek our own pleasure and yet the object of our design is to be happy.  "Men are, that they might have joy, 2 Nephi 2:25".  The "men" in this scripture refers to mankind and that includes women.  One of my goals as I grew towards adulthood was to be happily married someday.   LDS young adults are strongly encouraged to find a righteous companion, marry and rear children.  However, if one's primary purpose of marriage is to form a profitable partnership to acquire financial gain, status, o simply pleasure, or even if it is for the purpose to make others happy, I believe successful marriage will likely be somewhat elusive.  Though the desires listed above aren't bad in and of themselves, they alone are not insufficient to guarantee happiness.  As individuals we must have a connection to heaven.  This is why the checking in is so important.  One thing that makes LDS doctrine distinct is our belief in the omniscience of God.  ". . .there is no God beside me, and all things are present with me, for I know them all, Moses 1:6".  In choosing a companion we must be willing to involve the Lord and be willing to trade our limited perspective for one which is unlimited.  

Our hope for our daughters is that they will be living the kind of lives that they can be sensitive to the influence of the spirit in both finding and recognizing a potentially righteous marriage partner; and once married rely upon that same spirit to know how to conduct themselves.

In other words, our daughters need to be righteous themselves and that would include a desire to please God first and foremost by daily and prayerfully employing the repentance process and making efforts to improve.  Often that will include making goals to add or delete some small things that are keeping them from accessing the Spirit and influence of God in our daily doings. Another LDS prophet, Lorenzo Snow, explains both the need and benefit of that guidance:
"There is a way by which persons can keep their consciences clear before God and man, and that is to preserve within them, the Spirit of God, which is the spirit of revelation to every man and woman.  It will reveal to them, even in the simplest of matters, what they shall do, by making suggestions to them.  We should try to learn the nature of this spirit, that we may understand its suggestions, and then we will always be able to do right.  This is the grand privilege of every Latter-day Saint.  We now that it is our right to have the manifestations if the Spirit every day of our lives", (Conference Report, 9 April 1899, p. 52).

It is also our belief that spirit will reinforce the principles of truth and brotherly kindness and actions that are consistent with concepts promoted in The Family: A Proclamation to the World.    https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

What we look for in our daughter's future spouses:

1) We hope they will have our daughter's and their own safety and spiritual well-being uppermost in their mind, even during courtship. 

2)  We hope they will be prayerful about how they spend their time, money and energies.  

3)   We hope they have integrity, and strong values.

4)  We hope they are the kind of individual who treats their own parents with respect.

5)  We hope they see our daughter as an equal and come to decisions after counseling with  them and the Lord?  Yet, are they willing to lead their family in righteousness. For women, often their greatest need is for safety, (emotional, physical, and spiritual). 

What we hope my daughters will bring to their marriage:

1)     High on our list is for them to use effective communication skills.  We want them to share their positive thoughts about their spouses and encourage them in their employment and leadership in the home.  But, we also want them to be brave enough to share their feelings and what they feel they could do better as a couple and with the help of the spirit share what they are feeling or hoping for.  The positive must outweigh the negative dramatically.

2)     We want them to take responsibility for their own happiness, by praying daily and setting goals for themselves.  

3)    We want them to know that no man or woman lives a perfect day and that she will need daily and hourly repentance.  Repentance is a continual process of growth and renewal and the more righteous she is, the more she will consistently employ that process. 

4)   We hope they will always seek to overcome addictions or habits that aren't beneficial.  Everyone has them.   They can include addictions to caffeine, soda, social media, TV, shopping, or even a perfectly clean house, etc. 

5)    It is often the woman who sets the moral and spiritual tone of the home, who spends the most time preparing and fortifying their children to go out into the world.  Often less is more.  Learn how to de-junk not only your home, but also your lives.  Don’t feel your job is to keep others, including your children, happy.  Over indulged children become self-absorbed.   Teach them how to work when they are little, but, don’t forget to end each day end with the affirmation that you love them and that you feel so blessed that they came to your home and are part of your family, even when they are teenagers.   

I recalled writing in my journal during the time I was looking for the right person to marry.  It seemed impossible that I could find someone I would want to marry and then have that same person love me in that same way in return.  I had dated many amazing young men by the time I wrote the above, but marriage to that point never seemed right.   I then determined I would do the following:  I would try to live worthily enough that if my companion came into my life tomorrow I would be ready, but also prepare myself to be in a position to serve and contribute to my fellowmen in an honorable profession in the meantime.

The happily ever after scenario of being married and rearing children together is something most active LDS individuals desire.  LDS clients I counsel with often want to know how to get from point A to point B.  Point A being single adult life and point B would be marriage to someone they love.  They share the same thoughts that I had when I was single.  Others who are married sometimes experience heartache and difficulties they never anticipated   A basic premise of LDS doctrine is that there is a plan for each individual and that achieving that plan will require obedience to gospel principles, faith and developing a sensitivity to the guidance of the spirit.  My personal belief is that sometimes that  plan may include being single for years to come, perhaps even throughout their lifetime, or entering into a marriage that ultimately ends in separation due to death, infidelity, or mental illness.

Where do we find security, peace, hope and well-being in such an uncertain world where traditional marriage is seemingly under attack and at the mercy of ever changing societal trends?   I believe that the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that no one can cause you to fail life, that the atonement is designed in a way that it can fully compensate for past mistakes we have made as well as the mistakes that others have made that impact us.  That power source is just a prayer a way and that power source can help and inspire us in both the simplest and most complex of matters and set us on a course leading to peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come. 

My journey changed when I knew I was wholly unequal to doing life using my own wisdom.  I more fervently sought God’s input and tried to minimize the distractions.  I read scriptures daily.   I kept a journal daily of what I thought I was hearing, learning and experiencing.  I found my hope increasing and the messages got clearer.   I recalled a sweet dream where I was saying good night to a young man at my doorstep.  It included a hug that I never wanted to end.  As I gazed into the heavens, I looked at the stars that slowly rearranged themselves to spell out, “Heaven is pleased”.  I hadn’t met the man I would one day marry, but I knew the feeling I would have when I did.  We were two imperfect people willing to do life together and make covenants with God and to each other.  I have never looked back at that decision and I have witnessed miracle upon miracle.  My advice is to dare to dream, dare to hope and seek a personal connection to heaven, while leaving the rest up to God.

Contrasting Jewish Family Life at the Time of Christ with Current Christian Family Living.

Jewish Family Life

I recently loved learning more about Jewish families at the time of Christ.  Jewish family life centered on establishing homes of righteousness and preparing the next generation to marry and bear children of their own.   Nothing in life superseded the individual's commitment and desire to marry, and bear and rear children.

Today, I fear this primary focus, even for religiously inclined individuals, is often eclipsed by the desire to be well-respected, be financially affluent, and self-actualize, while still not doing anything serious that would disqualify them from be classed as righteous.  

It takes great faith to get married.  

Our daughter, Kristin, on her wedding day with her parents and siblings.

Additionally, there is tremendous focus on health and exercise and the shape of the body.  Today, marriages are entered at older ages than ever before, after which parenthood is often delayed for several years and then curtailed after having a few children, so the couple can return to “more important” things such as earning more money and making a splash in the world.  Parents rear their children in ways to provide them with an ideal childhood, while simultaneous preparing their offspring to be very competitive academically to maximize their earning potential.  Little wonder that individual and family scripture study is lax, service and kindness to others is under-emphasized and respect for each other, their parents and fellow beings is waning and why we are finding that interpersonal violence is skyrocketing, even in our most intimate relationships.  https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-StateReportBook.pdf

For traditional Jewish families, in the meridian of time, it was different: 

1.       They knew that marriage was the first commandment instituted by God.  After he created the world and Adam, the Lord said, it was “not good” for man to be alone. 

2.        In the Jewish family the preparation for their child’s marriage began at his or her birth. 

3.        Men were to be married by the time they were 18 and at 13 a boy was considered of marriageable age.  For a girl it was 12 and one month.  A baby boy was often called a “little bridegroom”. 

4.        At an early age, children were taught the responsibilities of social and religious customs.  The importance of obedience and respect was taught to children by their parents.  Everything parents did prepared their children for their future responsibilities as parents and faithful marriage partners.   

5.        It wasn’t the responsibility of individuals to find a spouse.  It was the parents’ responsibility, sometimes asking for the help of a matchmaker.  Children and youth didn’t put their energies into finding a future suitable spouse, their job was to put their efforts into becoming a suitable spouse.  The word for parent in Hebrew has the root of yareh, which means to teach, instruct and direct.  For parents they were to do three things:  To love God, remember His commandments always, and teach their children at every possible opportunity.

6.        “Hear, O Israel:  The Lord our God, is One Lord.  And thou shalt love the Lord with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might”, (Deuteronomy 6:4-5).  This scripture is called the Shema.  It was written on parchment, rolled up and then placed in a small cylinder and fixed on the doorpost.  This cylinder that contained this parchment was called a mezuzah.   A child was taught early in life to join his parents in the practice of kissing his fingers and touching the mezuzah each time they entered or left their home.  It was to remind them to consistently represent the Lord well when leaving the home and to focus on this when they returned.

Teaching youth is a primary function of the family.
Aunt Kristin takes time to teach some of her nephews.

Latter-day Saints are encouraged to be familiar with the learning of the Jews.  In my last blog post on the Parable of the Wise Virgins, I explained how understanding what took place in ancient Jewish weddings was such a perfect metaphor for the second coming of Christ.  Additionally, LDS believe that the gospel of Christ was restored in Latter-days by means of revelation and that this restored religion incorporates all the elements of the Church of Christ that was functional during the meridian of time.  Along with the restoration of the gospel, Joseph Smith was led to the location where we believe a history of ancient American Israelite prophets on this American continent, was deposited.  We believe this compilation of histories, that covered a length of time from approximately 600 B.C. to 400 A.D., serves as a second witness of Christ.   It was my reading of this book and asking of its truthfulness that led to my conversion to the LDS faith.  One scripture passage that I appreciate in the Book of Mormon explains who shall benefit from Christ’s taking upon himself the sins of the world. 

 “Behold I say unto you, that when his soul has been made an offering for sin he shall see his seed.  And now what say ye?  And who shall be his seed?  Behold I say unto you, that whosoever has heard the words of the prophets, ye, all the holy prophets who have prophesied concerning the coming of the Lord—I say unto you, that all those who have hearkened unto their words, and believed that the Lord would redeem his people, and have looked forward to that day for a  remission of their sins, I say unto you, that these are his seed, or they are the heirs of the kingdom of God.  For these are they whose sins he has borne, these are they for whom he has died, to redeem them from their transgressions.  And now, are they not his seed”, (Mosiah 15:10-13).

LDS individuals are not only commanded to be familiar with the Holy  Bible, but the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price and the words of past and living prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ.  For example, President Ezra Taft Benson, wrote words of advice to men, women and youth as it relates to families.  He often quoted prophets who preceded him.  Because this is a blog written for women, I include this video of him speaking to the women of the LDS church:

https://youtu.be/jcjeLC88x1Y 

I once had a dream that I will long ponder and remember.  In the dream, an individual approached me and asked if I wanted to see an ancient oil lamp.  I was very excited because the parable of the wise virgins already meant a great deal to me and I immediately said yes.   He showed me the lamp and I felt so privileged to see this lamp.  He then asked me if I wanted to see a modern-day lamp.  I wasn’t as excited, but didn’t want to be rude and I said that I would like to see one.   He showed it to me and it was identical to the firs lamp.  

As I pondered the dream, I realized that it likely did refer to the parable of the wise virgins.  What qualified the ancients to be among the wise, are the very things that qualify us today.  They had to live by faith.  They had to be willing to follow the commandments and the prophets.  They had to proceed on courses of righteousness before they knew the end from the beginning.  They had to be different from the worldly.   It takes great faith to marry.  It takes great faith to have children.  The words of the prophets and the idea that men are to provide for their families and that women have the responsibility to bear, care for and rear the children is now being considered as socially constructed fruits of white, male privilege, and that the promotion of traditional marriage between a man and a woman is likewise.   Promoting strong families has been the duty of prophets since the time of what we believe was the first prophet, Adam.  Either Christ was who he said he was or he wasn't.  Either the Bible, as far as it is translated correctly, is the word of God or it isn’t.  Either the Book of Mormon is a body of scripture preserved by the hand of God or is isn’t.  Prophecies concerning the Last Days are throughout the Bible and the New Testament, the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants.   I am familiar with those prophecies and they reflect our modern-day society perfectly.  It would be a time when good would be called evil and evil good.  The prophet Mormon, who abridged the writings of American prophets and after whom the Book was named, saw our day.

Having a large family is often seen as fool-hearty today.

But, seeking to raise a family in righteousness, we believe,

 should be the primary focus of a Christian family.

“Behold, I speak unto you as if ye were present, and yet ye are not.  But behold, Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing.  And I know that ye do walk in the pride of your hearts; and there are none save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel, unto envying, and strifes and malice, and persecutions, and all manner of iniquities; and your churches, year, even every one, have become polluted because of the pride of your hearts.  For behold, ye do love money, and your substance, and your fine apparel, and the adorning of yours churches, more than ye love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted.  O ye pollutions, ye hypocrites, ye teachers, who see yourselves for that which will canker, and why have ye polluted the holy church of God?  Why are ye ashamed to take upon you the name of Christ?  Why do ye not think that greater is the value of endless happiness than that misery which never dies—because of the praise of the world?”  (Mormon 8: 35-38). 

I believe in the importance of education, prudence, brotherly kindness.  I love taking care of a home and seeking to beautify it.  Health is important.  I try to eat right and I exercise daily.  At the age of 64, I went back to school and am soon to complete a master’s degree.   However, even now, my heart and my thought centers primarily upon my family.  I stayed home and cared for my children for 30 years and did not work during that time.   During that time my energies were at home and not the market place.  I am so grateful for a husband who allowed me that privilege.  Throughout the history of the world, faith has always preceded the miracle. 

I was blessed to be engaged in mothering at the same time I was grandmothering.   My youngest Alyse, far right, was only eight at the time this photo was taken.

How can we  better establish a Christ-centered home?  I believe it is in the establishment of our own righteous traditions.  Just as Jewish families paused as they entered and left their homes, we can take time to pray morning and evening as families.  We can daily consecrate our performances unto the Lord as we pray individually.  Taking time to daily read scriptures with our families and taking a few minutes to discuss the miracles of the day can do much to remind us of why we are here on earth.  Counseling together as parents as to the use of our time, money and energies can both unite us a couple and help us consider what really are our top priorities.  I believe a great threat to modern families is the media and its influence to undermine rather than reinforce the values we want our children to have and thus as parents, we need to take the primary responsibility to teach our children the gospel.  The LDS Doctrine and Covenants reinforces this principle, "But, I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth", (D&C 93:40).  Most importantly, we can't teach faith if we don't have faith.  Most of my prayers are engaged in asking God to help me set my own heart in order, that my influence upon others around me, may be an influence for good.  

With Love,

Vicki Robinson

The Parable of the Ten Virgins - Whether you are married or single, young or old, male or female, it's all about preparing for an upcoming wedding.

I was recently asked to be in charge of an activity for a Young Women's group.  As I gathered with those doing the planning, we decided to take the theme of the Parable of the Ten Virgins as our focus.  I love this parable and feel it is a wonderful metaphor for the Second Coming of Christ, especially if you know a little about ancient Jewish weddings.  The betrothal of a man and a woman was an incredibly important and significant event.  It was, as if, the two to be wed, and their families, had entered into a formal binding contract.  Once the proposal was accepted by both parties, the man would then depart for a period of time when he would prepare a home for his bride.  The construction was completed under the supervision of the groom's father and it was the father who would determine when it was complete and ready.  Meanwhile, the bride to be was busily engaged in preparing for that uncertain moment.  She needed to be in a constant state of readiness.  She paid attention to all aspects of her life.  She would prepare herself physically, spiritually and in skills and talents that would prepare her to be a prepared bride.  Women had the role of making sure there was oil in the home for the lamps.  There were also the bridesmaids, who were also in a state of readiness, with their lamps trimmed and containing oil.  They were the ones who would come at the appointed hour to light the way for the procession as they journeyed to where the ceremony would take place.  Intimate friends of the groom would often send clues and announcements that the hour was nigh at hand.  As the parable states, many of those virgins didn't have sufficient oil to participate and when that time came, the wise virgins could not share their oil and the bridegroom could not grant them access to the ceremony.

 https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2010-07-040-they-that-are-wise?lang=eng

When I watched the above video, it almost seemed too harsh that the wise virgins didn't share or that the Savior ultimately didn't let them in.  But, upon reflection, faith and confidence in things spiritual can neither be acquired or shared at that last and final moment.   Latter-Day Saints believe that the oil in the wise virgins lamp consists of many areas of preparation, but LDS doctrine particularly highlights three essential elements of preparation as contained in the Doctrine and Covenants Section 45:
56.  And at that day, when I shall come in my glory, shall the parable be fulfilled with I spake concerning the ten virgins.
57.  For they that are wise and have received the truth and have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide, and have not be deceived--verily I say unto you, they shall not be hewn down and cast into the fire, but shall abide the day.
58.  And the earth shall be given unto them for an inheritance, and they shall multiply and wax strong, and their children shall grow up without sin unto salvation.
59.  For the Lord shall be in their midst, and his glory shall be upon them, and he shall be their king and their lawgiver.

 When I was a young woman, I particularly loved reading the New Testament.  I was especially touched by Matthew 24 that described the last days prior to the Second Coming.  It shared how difficult these days would be when hearts would wax cold and the very elect could be deceived. 

 Me with nine of my ten daughters. 

 A daughter-in-law was living with her family in Italy at the time of this photo.  

I was thinking this morning that I am mother to ten beautiful women.  They include eight of my own daughters and two beautiful daughters-in-law.  Their desires are desires for good.  My desire is that I may become a wise virgin though I am older and married.  LDS doctrine remains firm about the importance of family and for women, a willingness to embrace their role as mothers.  This is a time in history where motherhood and family look very different from what it did just a few decades ago.  No longer is the focus of a woman's life to be caretakers of the hearth and home and making sure it has the "light" it needs to be a refuge in the storm.  This philosophy is being promoted as narrow and restrictive, a wicked fruit of patriarchy and white male privilege.  Raising our children, for me, was the greatest privilege I could have have ever hoped for.   It was financially tight, physically and emotionally challenging, but incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.   LDS doctrine recognizes that not all women will have the chance to marry  and/or physically bear children, and that no blessing will be withheld if that opportunity is not theirs.  But, it is still the willingness of all men and women to support and encourage this model of "family" that is important.  https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/36035_000_24_family.pdf 

Though I have been involved in working with families at risk for over ten years now, currently as a therapist, clearly my role as a mother has the greatest potential to impact society in positive ways for generations to come.   My daughters have embraced  this same philosophy at this hour.  We truly believe it is in the small things we do to prepare ourselves, our families, and those around us for that Great Day, the Second Coming of our Savior Jesus Christ, that matter most.

Am I in a Healthy or Unhealthy Relationship with my Significant Other?

I shared a post today on Facebook that I felt was quite good.  It identified red flags that indicate when you are in an unhealthy relationship.

My sweet husband of 40 years.  Who wears the pants in our family?

http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/family-relationships/if-these-30-signs-sound-familiar-you-need-to-get-out-of-your-relationship-asap/ss-BBvJIV8?ocid=spartandhp

Domestic Violence is on the rise.  I did a significant amount of research last semester while attending graduate school on the prevalence and impact of sexual victimization on youth.  From one study, I learned that more than two thirds of respondents from a national study given to over 5,000 youth, 12-18 years of age and dating, reported being victimized by their partner at one point in their relationship (Taylor & Mumford, 2016, p. 973). This data suggests that youth from all walks of life, independent of levels of education, family’s access to internet, renting or owning a residence, whether residing in an urban or non-urban region of the United States, see violence and aggressive behaviors as a normal part of life. 

So, after identifying some of the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, what can be done if you are in one and even more importantly what are the signs of a healthy relationship?    What if you are married to someone who makes all the important decisions and considers their ideas to be consistently superior to yours.  Should you run, not walk, to a divorce attorney?   Everyone feels occasionally disrespected or underappreciated in their relationships.   Sadly, there are individuals who suffer from a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, where they truly believe all those around them are privileged to be in their presence and that they pay for that privilege by acquiescing to all their demands.   They also tend to believe that all decisions they make are right simply because they have made them.  If they are the least bit unhappy, then surely others are to blame.  The following site explains well what may be going on with them and why you feel a constant need to submit as you walk on eggshells. 

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

On the other hand, in less serious circumstances, we find that all of us have selfish tendencies that emerge and we want what we want when we want it.  When we question whether the relationship we are in is dysfunctional, it would also be a good time to look at ourselves.  The following quote by Brigham Young always causes me pause.  When I am honest with myself, I often find my sadness has more to do with my own behavior, use of time and current attitude than the one I am irked at. 

                When you. . . are tried and temped, when parents and children have a spirit come upon them that irritates them, that causes them to have bad feelings, disagreeable, unhappy and miserable sensations, causing them to say, “We wish it was some way else; we wish our circumstances were different, we are not happy.”  I desire to tell you that your own conduct is the cause of all this.  “But”, says one, “I have done nothing wrong, nothing evil?”  No matter whether you have or not, you have given way to a spirit of temptation.  There is not that man or woman in this congregation, or on the face of the earth, that has the privilege of the holy Gospel, and lives strictly to it, whom all hell can make unhappy.  You cannot make the man, woman, or child unhappy, who possesses the Spirit of the living God; unhappiness is caused by some other spirit,  Brigham Young, June 15, 1856, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 3, p. 343. 

Is there a place for order in families?   I believe there is.  I belong to and subscribe to an LDS philosophy that is not all that popular in today’s world.  I believe that a righteous man should assume a role of leadership in his family.   I believe that children should be obedient to their parents.  Yes, I actually believe in a patriarchal order, though patriarchy has come to represent all that is wrong in today’s world.  Done well, however, this system can be functional and sanctifying for both husband and wife and can still be a partnership where each member is valued and of equal worth.   We see that type of organization in every successful company.  There is a CEO for the sake of order and efficiency.   But, a man is a fool if he doesn’t see his wife as a capable intellectual, spiritual and financial adviser. 

Where do we find relief?  With all my being, I feel it is in our personal relationship with God.  It is in that relationship that we can see things more clearly.  It is in that relationship that we can get our errand and know how to proceed.  It is in that relationship that we acquire the abilities to love, forgive and influence for good. 

The measure of our worth is not in getting others to comply with our requests, not even our children.  It is in giving them the best opportunity to make good choices.  Sometimes that requires difficult conversations.  Sometimes it means not reinforcing negative patterns of behavior or financing those things we are morally opposed to.  It certainly doesn’t mean being someone’s doormat.  My life changed dramatically when I realized I wasn’t placed on earth to please all those about me.  It was to learn that my goal should be to please God and when I keep that focus, I find that truly, His burden is easy and His yoke is light, Matthew 11:40-41.  

Is Nice Enough? Thoughts on Mother's Day Observances

Mother’s Day has always been a difficult one for me and this year was no exception.   It was always a day that I appreciated and recognized my mother as the perfect mother for me.  As usual there are no observable reasons for my annual roller coaster ride on that day.  My children spoil me with tributes and presents.  My husband celebrates me beyond what I deserve.  My children are wonderful individuals and my grandchildren plentiful, bright and amazing.  I have everything that I need to be content and yet, on that day, I am not content.

Our family ten years ago

Some of our mothers and future mothers today.

My two youngest daughters with my oldest grandchild

My sweet husband of 40 years

I think the question and discomfort always centers on whether I feel I am doing what I need to in respect to mothering.  Being LDS, we have specific doctrine that identifies the importance of this calling for women.  It is a foundational belief that I do not doubt.  I recalled having the importance of this principle reaffirmed to me back in the 80's.  I'd had a dream that let me know in no uncertain terms that I was to continue to make this calling a priority.  When then President of the LDS Church, Ezra Taft Benson, reaffirmed the importance of this doctrine, it was further confirmation of what I already knew.  emp.byui.edu/WILLIAMSG/Talks/etb_tothemothers.htm  Though I was committed to helping children at risk prior to marriage, was Phi Beta Kappa, and had both a teaching degree and a social service worker's license, I knew my greatest contribution to society would be in putting the majority of my energies into rearing children in the home.   I had even begun part time graduate studies at that time just two nights a week, but when it came time to take them to Day Care for two full days, so I could complete the practicum portion, everything in my being told me this was not the season in my life to do that.  During my prayers, a succinct thought came to my mind with clarity.  "Right now I could use you more without a master's degree than with one."   I ended my graduate studies. By far, rearing children full time was the best use of my time and energies through the years.  

So back to the question at hand, am I being the kind of mother that I need to be.  Am I promoting this doctrine and sound doctrine to others to the degree I need to.  I have found that I don't embody the traditional image that most Latter-day Saints hold up as a perfect Mormon Mother.  I never fully conform with the ideal promoted by most Mother's Day talks given over the pulpit on that day.    For that reason, Mother's Day always requires significant self-introspection.    Am I pleasing my Father in Heaven, in the use of my time and energies?  Am I near where I should be?  If I am not, can I return?  What is the price?  Am I willing to pay it?"

This year, I pondered those questions for over a week and even asked my married children to spend Mother's Day with their own families or their in-laws on Sunday because I still hadn't answered those questions sufficiently.  They ignored my requests, gathered and honored me and the mothers in our family anyway.  The cause of my sadness was that I worried that I had ruffled too many feathers, offended too often and too easily by sharing my thoughts too often.   I wished that I been more consecrated, more careful, made fewer mistakes.  I was not the woman, I believe I could have been, should have been. 

Mother’s Day has come and gone and I have my equilibrium back.  I pondered my favorite Mother’s Day talk which was given by my daughter Shanelle, years ago.  She said, “Because my mother was imperfect, and was open about that fact, she taught me that she needed a Savior.  That made it okay for me to need him too.”  I considered all the Mother’s Day talks I heard at church last Sunday.  Many promoted a good mother is one who sacrifices, who serves untiringly and loves unconditionally.  But, is that enough?  Is being nice enough?  I believe, it is not enough.  It is to do what is needed to establish a personal connection to heaven to the point that we can take the spirit for our guide.  It is to realize that we will see through a glass darkly as the Apostle Paul explains and we will go forward making the best decisions we can based on those feelings and that which is promoted by prophets.  It is to have the courage not to meet every request made of us, but rather to focus on that which is crucial to the development of our faith and that of our family’s.   It is a willingness to say that which is not popular, a willingness to offend for His sake.  But, to say those things in meekness and with love unfeigned.  It is to allow agency to those around us to worship who and in what manner they choose, but not compromise our values in the process.  It is a delicate balance only achieved as we avail ourselves of the influence of the Holy Ghost.  It is a willingness to have difficult, but respectful discussions.   It is to check in with the Lord each morning for help and guidance and to return, report and repent each evening. 

I realized that my days of  “mothering” will never be complete, though I am now the mother of adult children as my youngest will turn 18 soon.  My foremost desire is that being a mother will be my eternal job description.
I feel there are many ways to support and promote the importance of motherhood by both men and women, even women who have never married, are divorced or have not had the opportunity to bear children.   I didn't know that I would feel impressed to return graduate school 30 years later and I hope to use what I have learned to strengthen families.   In going back to school,  I didn’t realize how unpopular a conservative posture would be in most academic circles  these days.   This video made me laugh as a result of my recent educational experience:  https://youtu.be/iKcWu0tsiZM  The thing I have learned is that if our children are not well grounded in faith before they leave their homes, they will not be equal to the challenges their testimonies will face as they further their educations.

Someday, I hope to be welcomed home to the plaudit: "Well done, thou good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee  ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord", (Matthew 25:21). 

Surely the most important of these things is the bearing and rearing of children. 

The following questions may reveal why the gospel fails to sometimes bring us the peace and progress we hope for:

• For those who are mothers, do we judge our worthiness as a mother by the strength of your children's testimonies and consistency of their good behavior?
• As a woman, do we measure our worth solely by the feedback we receive from others as to the worthiness of our offerings?
• Have we given up on others' capacities to make needed changes?  Do we believe we have the capacity to make needed changes?
• Do we feel our happiness is limited by the choices that others around us are currently making? 

I believe that answering affirmatively to the any of the above questions indicates we have not wholly understood the  potential of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30). 

I bear witness that involving the Lord more in the details of our life will ease our burdens and increase our joy in being a woman and in all other aspects of our lives.