Premarital Advice to my Daughters and their Potential Future Spouses.

Our Three Youngest Daughters

Seven of our ten children are married and we have our three youngest daughters who are unmarried.  The ages at which our older children met and married their spouses ranged from being 19 years of age to 30.  I am a therapist and it seems that each day I become more aware of the challenges that couples face in today's world.

I met and married this young man in January of 1976.

This doesn't necessarily mean we are especially good at marriage, but we are good at commitment. 

I was so pleasantly surprised at what a good father Bryan was.  I couldn't have anticipated that.

  

Bryan and I have a family motto which we summarize in two words, "checking in”.  This motto is influenced by our favorite family scripture from the Book of Mormon, Alma 37:37:

“Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings and he will direct thee for good, yea, when, thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep and when thou riseth in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day."

Certainly the decision of who to marry is one of those decisions we should "check in" about.  I was greatly appreciated the words of President Kimball, who was the LDS prophet when I was dating and considering who to marry:

"In selecting one's companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all decisions, this one is not wrong.  In a true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as hearts."  He went on to say, "Some young people think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills, but true marriage is based on happiness that is more than that:  the kind of happiness that comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness."  President Spencer W. Kimball

We aren’t on earth to simply seek our own pleasure and yet the object of our design is to be happy.  "Men are, that they might have joy, 2 Nephi 2:25".  The "men" in this scripture refers to mankind and that includes women.  One of my goals as I grew towards adulthood was to be happily married someday.   LDS young adults are strongly encouraged to find a righteous companion, marry and rear children.  However, if one's primary purpose of marriage is to form a profitable partnership to acquire financial gain, status, o simply pleasure, or even if it is for the purpose to make others happy, I believe successful marriage will likely be somewhat elusive.  Though the desires listed above aren't bad in and of themselves, they alone are not insufficient to guarantee happiness.  As individuals we must have a connection to heaven.  This is why the checking in is so important.  One thing that makes LDS doctrine distinct is our belief in the omniscience of God.  ". . .there is no God beside me, and all things are present with me, for I know them all, Moses 1:6".  In choosing a companion we must be willing to involve the Lord and be willing to trade our limited perspective for one which is unlimited.  

Our hope for our daughters is that they will be living the kind of lives that they can be sensitive to the influence of the spirit in both finding and recognizing a potentially righteous marriage partner; and once married rely upon that same spirit to know how to conduct themselves.

In other words, our daughters need to be righteous themselves and that would include a desire to please God first and foremost by daily and prayerfully employing the repentance process and making efforts to improve.  Often that will include making goals to add or delete some small things that are keeping them from accessing the Spirit and influence of God in our daily doings. Another LDS prophet, Lorenzo Snow, explains both the need and benefit of that guidance:
"There is a way by which persons can keep their consciences clear before God and man, and that is to preserve within them, the Spirit of God, which is the spirit of revelation to every man and woman.  It will reveal to them, even in the simplest of matters, what they shall do, by making suggestions to them.  We should try to learn the nature of this spirit, that we may understand its suggestions, and then we will always be able to do right.  This is the grand privilege of every Latter-day Saint.  We now that it is our right to have the manifestations if the Spirit every day of our lives", (Conference Report, 9 April 1899, p. 52).

It is also our belief that spirit will reinforce the principles of truth and brotherly kindness and actions that are consistent with concepts promoted in The Family: A Proclamation to the World.    https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

What we look for in our daughter's future spouses:

1) We hope they will have our daughter's and their own safety and spiritual well-being uppermost in their mind, even during courtship. 

2)  We hope they will be prayerful about how they spend their time, money and energies.  

3)   We hope they have integrity, and strong values.

4)  We hope they are the kind of individual who treats their own parents with respect.

5)  We hope they see our daughter as an equal and come to decisions after counseling with  them and the Lord?  Yet, are they willing to lead their family in righteousness. For women, often their greatest need is for safety, (emotional, physical, and spiritual). 

What we hope my daughters will bring to their marriage:

1)     High on our list is for them to use effective communication skills.  We want them to share their positive thoughts about their spouses and encourage them in their employment and leadership in the home.  But, we also want them to be brave enough to share their feelings and what they feel they could do better as a couple and with the help of the spirit share what they are feeling or hoping for.  The positive must outweigh the negative dramatically.

2)     We want them to take responsibility for their own happiness, by praying daily and setting goals for themselves.  

3)    We want them to know that no man or woman lives a perfect day and that she will need daily and hourly repentance.  Repentance is a continual process of growth and renewal and the more righteous she is, the more she will consistently employ that process. 

4)   We hope they will always seek to overcome addictions or habits that aren't beneficial.  Everyone has them.   They can include addictions to caffeine, soda, social media, TV, shopping, or even a perfectly clean house, etc. 

5)    It is often the woman who sets the moral and spiritual tone of the home, who spends the most time preparing and fortifying their children to go out into the world.  Often less is more.  Learn how to de-junk not only your home, but also your lives.  Don’t feel your job is to keep others, including your children, happy.  Over indulged children become self-absorbed.   Teach them how to work when they are little, but, don’t forget to end each day end with the affirmation that you love them and that you feel so blessed that they came to your home and are part of your family, even when they are teenagers.   

I recalled writing in my journal during the time I was looking for the right person to marry.  It seemed impossible that I could find someone I would want to marry and then have that same person love me in that same way in return.  I had dated many amazing young men by the time I wrote the above, but marriage to that point never seemed right.   I then determined I would do the following:  I would try to live worthily enough that if my companion came into my life tomorrow I would be ready, but also prepare myself to be in a position to serve and contribute to my fellowmen in an honorable profession in the meantime.

The happily ever after scenario of being married and rearing children together is something most active LDS individuals desire.  LDS clients I counsel with often want to know how to get from point A to point B.  Point A being single adult life and point B would be marriage to someone they love.  They share the same thoughts that I had when I was single.  Others who are married sometimes experience heartache and difficulties they never anticipated   A basic premise of LDS doctrine is that there is a plan for each individual and that achieving that plan will require obedience to gospel principles, faith and developing a sensitivity to the guidance of the spirit.  My personal belief is that sometimes that  plan may include being single for years to come, perhaps even throughout their lifetime, or entering into a marriage that ultimately ends in separation due to death, infidelity, or mental illness.

Where do we find security, peace, hope and well-being in such an uncertain world where traditional marriage is seemingly under attack and at the mercy of ever changing societal trends?   I believe that the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that no one can cause you to fail life, that the atonement is designed in a way that it can fully compensate for past mistakes we have made as well as the mistakes that others have made that impact us.  That power source is just a prayer a way and that power source can help and inspire us in both the simplest and most complex of matters and set us on a course leading to peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come. 

My journey changed when I knew I was wholly unequal to doing life using my own wisdom.  I more fervently sought God’s input and tried to minimize the distractions.  I read scriptures daily.   I kept a journal daily of what I thought I was hearing, learning and experiencing.  I found my hope increasing and the messages got clearer.   I recalled a sweet dream where I was saying good night to a young man at my doorstep.  It included a hug that I never wanted to end.  As I gazed into the heavens, I looked at the stars that slowly rearranged themselves to spell out, “Heaven is pleased”.  I hadn’t met the man I would one day marry, but I knew the feeling I would have when I did.  We were two imperfect people willing to do life together and make covenants with God and to each other.  I have never looked back at that decision and I have witnessed miracle upon miracle.  My advice is to dare to dream, dare to hope and seek a personal connection to heaven, while leaving the rest up to God.