Why I disliked Mother’s Day

 

I don’t know why, but this holiday for some reason was especially difficult for me this year.  I had been particularly engaged in self-reflection over the preceding months.   Perhaps it was that I am at a crossroads in my life and can see that empty nest stage fast approaching.  Most of my peers have navigated this stage well, but having a child at age 41 and again at 46 postponed it for me.  We still have three single daughters.  One is completing her degree next month, another just left on her LDS mission and the youngest will be a freshman in high school.  My sweet mother and mother-in-law have both passed away.  So, it should be a day of little pressure.  But, I felt pressure!

 

But, back to why this year was particularly difficult.   I dislike having loved ones feeling compelled to give me a gift for either Mother’s Day or my birthday.  I hate how commercial holidays are.  They use guilt to increase their profits.  However, if a child fails to fall prey to this commercialism, I feel kind of sad.  That puts my family members into a truly no-win situation.  And I even feel sad when I can't keep those beautiful fresh cut flowers alive.  I don’t know why, even when I feed and trim them regularly, they just don’t last more than a couple of days.    

 

Mother's Day is a to consider if I have been a good mother and how does one really measure that???   Good mothers have produced all types of children and good children have come from all types of mothers.    So we can’t really measure a mother’s worth by how her children turn out.   I believe that producing a child doesn’t necessarily make you a mother any more than building a house, makes it a home.

 

To me, these are, however, things that make a woman a good mother. . .

 

1.  A good mother is a woman who consistently seeks to know her creator and acquire truth.   A woman cannot teach her children to have faith, hope and charity if she doesn’t have those attributes. 

 

2.  A good mother gives her children the key to the well.  I love the anonymous quote: 
“There is a difference between the learned man who will pump you full of knowledge and the one who will give you the key to the well.”  Though my mother wasn’t religiously inclined and seldom went to Church.  She did believe in saying prayers.  She taught me to pray.  Those prayers led me to Him and He led me to church activity and affiliation. 

 

3.  A good mother seeks to teach correct principles while still preserving a child’s agency in a climate of order and safety.  Now if that isn’t a tricky job description, I don’t know what is.   We want to prepare them for adulthood because we want them to make it in a society that has laws, regulations, rules and consequences.  

 

 

4.  A good mother is a happy person.  She needs to take care of herself while not being selfish and neglecting her children.    For example, she needs to exercise without taking huge chunks of time pursuing the perfect body.  Paul, who saw our day, wisely warned against taking physical fitness to an extreme:  “For bodily exercise profiteth little:  but godliness is profitable unto all things, having promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come.  I know mothers who don’t deviate from a prescribed daily exercise routine, but seldom have time to read their scriptures or read to their children.    These same principles apply to a host of other activities.  But, we do need to get that haircut, a new outfit, as well as groom and have growing experiences.  We want our children to see that raising children is joyful.   We want them to look forward to being parents.  I was sad when I heard a young woman say, “I don’t ever want kids.  My mom is the unhappiest person I know”. 
 

My oldest daughter Jeanette, with her daughter, loves being a mother

 

 

5.  A good mother loves and respects their children’s father.   Studies have shown that if a child can witness a truly intimate relationship, they have a greater capacity to form an intimate relationship with a future spouse.  This doesn’t mean their witnessing physical sexual intimacy.  This kind of intimacy can be observed by a child whose parents  have mutual respect and care deeply for each other.  We can’t truly have or even seek to have this kind of relationship with our children.  They will never care for us, the way we care for them.  But they will know how much we love them, when they have children of their own.  Now this is a particularly difficult task when there has been a divorce.   But, it is a Christian command to love others, ALL OTHERS.  That ability and capacity will come from our relationship with God. 
 

 

 

 

6.  In seeking to establish a house of happiness and safety, we need to be sure that our goal is not to make our child’s life ideal and stress free.   A child who is waited on hand and foot and has a “Disneyland” childhood often grows up to be self-absorbed and “entitled”.   They need to learn to work, serve and wait for some things.  They need role models who occasionally mess up and admit it.  They need to see repentance modeled.  A “ Disneyland” childhood could produce a child ill-prepared for life. 

 

7.  I am really going to go out on a limb with the last one.  A child needs a mother who is there, who puts career and time consuming hobbies on the back burner, until a later time.  A child needs supervision.  The cost of a child coming home from school to an empty house is often a cost that is far too great.  Society and divorce makes this ideal almost impossible.   If this means a smaller home, fewer extracurricular activities or whatever sacrifice it takes, you won’t be sorry.

Whatever you can do to provide that supervision and accountability will pay great dividends.   

So why was I sad this Mother’s Day?  It is to know, I come up short by my own standards!   I am not the perfect mother I want to be.   But the next day, I was fine and happy again.  My children’s imperfect mother was well celebrated, but I was ever so grateful for the atonement and another day to seek to improve.  There is a place for Holidays and traditions, a place for retrospection and honor.  Like everything else, we need to involve the Lord to help us get the right balance in the observation of these traditions.  We need Him to help us establish that right balance in everything we do.  Finally,

we simply cannot give up on ourselves or anyone within our realm of influence.  That is the perhaps the best definition of a good mother. 

 

We need to talk . . .

These four words have the ability to cause a sense of panic and dread to those who hear them, especially if they are spoken by your mother, wife or older female acquaintance.   You are almost certain her words will surmise that you haven't been listening and the substance of her message will involve something you haven't been doing or something you have been doing wrong according to her point of view.  However, I chose this title for this post not for the reasons just mentioned, but because, we really do need to talk and this compulsion sometimes intensifies the older we become.  This desire to communicate and share with loved ones and others what we think we have learned or what we are in the process of learning is strong and persistent.   We care deeply about you, our loved ones, friends and neighbors.  We want you to succeed.  We want you to stay safe and avoid the pitfalls that so many fall into.  We've lived long enough to see patterns, and cause and effect scenarios.  We are a few short years from senility.  And if we are lucky enough to come out of life's experience to this point without becoming bitter at life, and filled with a strong testimony of the purposes of life, we might actually have something that would be of value for you to hear. 

These days mothering isn't seen in the same light as it was viewed historically and older mothers are especially rich fodder for comedians and sitcoms.   The Prophet Isaiah saw our day with clarity.  It would be time when children would be quite brazen and something would happen that would be unique when compared to almost all past eras of history.  It would be a time when " the child shall behave himself proudly against the ancient, (Isaiah 3:5)".  In other words, it would be a time when the elderly would enjoy little honor or respect.  It would also be a unique time when child bearing and rearing would not be considered the primary and most important task of a married woman.  Throughout the Bible, a woman's ability to bear children was considered her greatest blessing and a measure of divine favor.  I think it was no accident that some of the most noble of biblical women were tested by long periods of infertility.  I read in an ancient text that Anna, the mother of Mary, previously barren, was visited by an angel who told her that there are times "the Lord shuts the womb of a woman, only to open it up again, in a more glorious manner (Quomran Genesis Apocraphon).”    So important was this chance to bear that Moses established laws that gave women access to their husbands for the purpose of conception based upon the husband's profession.  Less demanding professions required more accessibility.   While women generally enjoy greater status than any period in history, which is a good thing, the status of motherhood has lessened, and decreases as women age.

So if we decide to brave this unpopular course of imparting our thoughts, how do we go about it? There are a variety of ways.  We can write a personal letter.  One of my children boasted that they hadn't had one of these "letters" yet.   They had had their share of camp letters and birthday wishes, but they hadn't recalled a communication they might refer to as a "call to repentance" or a "come to Jesus confrontation".   We all know it is just a matter of time before she gets her turn.

Another means is to simply send an email.  My emails are simply entitled:  "Mom letter".   They are sent out about monthly.   In it I try to share uplifting things I've recently learned, as well as address those things I think we could do better as a family.   My children are encouraged to at least let me know they have read it.  But, most often my children actually share their thoughts about its content and what they have been learning and the ways they have seen the hand of the Lord in their lives.    It is a great way to keep the whole family up to date on family activities.    It is even an opportunity to request extra prayers in our behalf during difficult times.

Another venue for sharing is to simply gather once a month as a family, especially if there are a number of married children as we have.  We take turns preparing a short gospel centered lesson and then everyone shares a brief uplifting event or thought.   We then do a "fun"  activity and of course we share good food.  Those families living away can even join us via Skype for the sharing and lesson parts.  It has been a great way to stay connected.

Finally, I enjoyed simply writing my thoughts on a subject in essay form.  This has been especially handy when one of my children approach me on a subject such as repentance when they are asked to teach or speak.  I can send them to my "Quotable Quote Binder", where they will also find the essay.   (I may include some of these essays on this blog.) 

What I have learned most is that the greatest benefit of sharing is mostly mine.  That is why I keep doing it.  It is a great challenge to put your thoughts on paper.   It forces me to review and consider the many blessings that have been mine and what I may have learned from periods of adversity.  When the kids share what they are learning, my faith is greatly strengthened.  A side benefit has been that it seems the Lord is trying to teach us all the same kinds of lessons.  We see great purpose in life struggles and realize the Lord is trying to refine our understanding of true gospel principles and identify weaknesses in thought.  Mostly, he is trying to help us understand our nothingness and how much we rely upon the atonement and that we need that atonement as much as anyone we have ever met.   I love the Bible Dictionary's definition of faith, especially the following statement:  "Faith is kindled by hearing the testimony of those who have faith".

I recalled a dream, my oldest son had while on his mission.  In the dream, he and I were scuba diving.  While we were doing so, we happened upon a treasure.  He asked me what it was, even wondering if it were the actual "Ark of the Covenant".  I told him that the treasure was Zion and "it is established in families".  That was the extent of the dream.  Zion has been defined as the "pure in heart".  Zion indicates to me a plural word meaning a group of people united in the goal of overcoming the world and seeking a heavenly connection.   We need to seek this treasure more fervently as a family.

Given our need to talk as older moms, how can we satisfy this need and still maintain relationships and credibility-- all the while still giving those within the sound of our voices, freedom to make their own choices and  the privilege of gaining their own experience?    It is a tightrope and not easily navigated.  Actually impossible to navigate if we don't involved the Lord in the process.   But I have some strange advice--advice that has not made me necessarily popular among my associates.  It is to err on  the side of saying too much rather than too little.  Certainly we need to learn when to be quiet.  Certainly, we need to make our words as palatable as possible.  But, we do need to say it, as lovingly and as succinctly as possible.   Why?  Because eternity hangs in the balance and we need to talk!

A Case For Submission

 

 

Not too long ago, I was invited to play the role of a somewhat assertive, controlling mother to an adult son in a web series.  To my surprise, this role was quite easy for me.   I don't think this was a surprise to either my husband or children.   I knew my children usually asked for Mom when they needed an advocate because, as we all know, a mother bear can be a formidable foe.  After all, some of my real adult roles in my old age have required a significant amount of boldness and assertion as I investigated child abuse and taught Youth in Custody.  But how important is submission to the life of a Christian?  How important is it in the life of an LDS woman?  Can a woman be both assertive and submissive at the same time or are these personality traits mutually exclusive?  This is actually my response to those women in the LDS church who are currently petitioning to have all the privileges that the men have, who are not as yet enjoying the privileges that are potentially theirs: 

 

Vicki as Victoria in "Think Outside the Blog"

The importance of submission and order was demonstrated in an article I read years ago about a clipper ship that broke a 140 year old sailing record.  Two men had taken a voyage from San Francisco to Boston in 69 days, 19 1/2 hours.  The clipper, Northern Light, had taken this same voyage in 1853 in 76 days and six hours.  The two men said they battled waves 18 feet high while passing Bermuda, but what would have threatened them most were disagreements that potentially could have flared up "into big problems", they said.  What prevented the latter from happening was that prior to their voyage, "there was always a clear understanding that Wilson was in command, Biewenga said."  Having a designated order in businesses, organizations and even the family helps things run well.  When it comes to things relating to the gospel of Jesus Christ, submission is not only functional, but sanctifying.  But to whom and what should we be subject to?

 

The Clipper Ship "Northern Light"

As our children grew, in spite our fair share of sibling rivalries and temper tantrums, they increased in their capacities for obedience. My son Brett, for example, was very bright and capable of debate and argument; he was nonetheless submissive and obedient to us as parents.  He understood that he needed to be submissive, not because his parents were perfect, but because he wanted the blessings that would come from honoring his parents.

 

The importance of submission to ecclesiastical leaders was reinforced to me when our local church leaders assigned everyone to read the Book of Mormon in one month's time.  I was pretty excited about that as others could learn to love that book as much as I did.  I was the gospel doctrine teacher at the time.  For some unknown reason, I thought I didn't need to complete the assignment as I already read it daily.  As the days went by, ward members would call me up and share wonderful insights about what they were reading.  Day by day, I felt a growing uneasiness that usually signaled I was in need of significant repentance.   I simply couldn't figure out what was causing me such spiritual discomfort.  I finally prayed about this feeling.  While on my knees, another ward member called and shared yet another uplifting experience.  I finally figured it out.  I am usually quite submissive, for the same reasons my son was.  I wondered how I could read the book with so many small children, so much to do and only one week left to complete the assignment.  Just then, my toddler walked in with a tape recorder, the same one you see in Toy Story, and handed it to me.   I simply listened to the Book of Mormon using tapes and thus completed the assignment.  That uncomfortable feeling diminished.

My thoughts about wives submitting to their husbands changed a bit when my sister once tried an interesting experiment for a month.  She decided she would really treat her husband as if he were the Lord of their home.  She confessed she anticipated he would love her more because of this focus, but what surprised her was that her love for him grew as a result of her efforts.  Sadly, there are those men who believe that the Patriarchal order implies that men are more important or holy than women.  The Prophet Joseph declared:  "We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.  Hence many are called and few are chosen.  No power or influence ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned, (D&C 121:39-41)."  Submission, of course, does not require we act against moral or civil law, but the importance of the  patriarchal order was reaffirmed in the Garden of Eden as the Lord commanded Eve,  ". . . thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee, (Moses 4:22)."  I think there may be hidden power in this practice.  I have always liked the thoughts of Goethe:  How we see people, is how we treat them, how we treat them is what they become." 

 

The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 In in the book of Ether, as recorded in the Book of Mormon, Jared relates what happened to his family during the erection of the Tower of Babel.   It is clear that the brother of Jared is the ecclesiastical or political head of his family.  It is also clear that Jared was subject to him, but had the greater gift of prophecy.  These two brothers and their interaction show what is possible when the rules of submission are followed in faith.  Jared meekly shared his ideas and inspiration with his brother and the brother of Jared was open to his ideas and prayerfully considered them.  The result was delivery and progress.  I simply consider what is possible in a family where both husband and wife work together in this manner. 

In our lives we sometimes feel at the mercy of either those who have stewardship over us or at the mercy of those over whom we have stewardship.  We are not measured by whether others choose the paths we think are best, but rather that we gave them the best opportunities to make the best choices.  Perhaps process trumps outcome; but as we try to more perfectly employ the process, we begin to see the power of the gospel at work.  I had a time in my life when requests and desires to please others seemed more than I could handle.  I had a passel of children and a newly widowed mother.  She wanted her two daughters' company on a daily basis, but could not handle the activity and fussiness of small children.  When I stayed home to be a good mother, I felt I was neglecting my mother and when I spent the day with her, I felt I was neglecting my children.  I began to somewhat resent my mother's constant requests.  I looked far in my future to the time I was a widow and I thought about one of my daughters being faced with this same dilemma.  I suddenly knew the answer.  I wouldn't want her to try and please me in this thing, but rather please God.  I took this concern and gave it to God.  I would pray daily about my service and I would get a feeling to either stay home with my children or go visit my mother.  Much of the time, I felt to go see my mother, but take my little ones with me.  Our half hour drives to and then from her home became some of our best time together as little ones slept and I visited with the older ones.  The kids were amazing on those days, a tender mercy.  I explained to my mother who was still in good health, that I could only come a couple times a week.  She complained that she would have to "go to the old folks' home", which meant  visit the Senior Citizen's Center.  She did go there twice a week and actually formed friendships and even did some dating.  What surprised me most was how my feelings towards my mother grew in love and tenderness.  I began to realize the promises made in the scriptures that as we come unto Christ and learn of Him that His yoke would be easy and His burden light, (see Matthew 11:28-30).e most was how my feelings t

Some of my greatest blessings have come when I submitted to the will of my husband in patience and faith in family decisions.  Some of his greatest blessings have come when he has prayerfully considered what I was feeling impressed to share.  One of those times occurred when we were short on finances.  I had earnestly prayed over our circumstance, because I wanted so desperately to stay home with our young children as the prophets had counseled.  One night, I dreamed that we bought a new car and this helped our circumstance.  This made no sense, even to me, but I still shared this dream with Bryan.  He initially thought this could not be inspiration, but the more he thought about it, something began to click.  We ended up selling our car which was paid for.  We then paid off all of our then current debts.  We purchased a very efficient diesel Chevette which got over 50 miles to the gallon.  During that time, Bryan was compensated for mileage at work.  We actually made money each month during the length of that loan. Our greatest challenges resulted when these principles were not adhered to. 

 

 

I believe the words of Samuel the prophet, apply both in conditions of submission to those set over us, as well as the commands of God.  "Behold, to obey is greater than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams, (1 Samuel 15:22)."  The greatest submission is found in submitting more perfectly to the will of God and involving Him in our daily decisions.  Our favorite family scripture begins with the admonition, "Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings and he will direct thee for good. . . (Alma 37:37)."   Perhaps, in that effort, we will realize an even increased ability to love Him and those around us.

 

 

 

 

Currently, there are lots of Mommy Blogs written by those young mothers who are delighting in the joy and challenges of parenthood, but not so many "mother blogs" written by older women who are no longer in the hot and heavy of child rearing.  The protocol and script for these days are often not so clearly defined, but are filled with unlimited potential.

Those days of young mothering were happy and intense days for me.  The challenge of trying to establish some degree of order in my home, keeping little ones fed and safe and actually getting to the point of putting on some makeup before my husband came home from work was enough excitement for me for decades.  I was not one who looked at glamorous executive peers who got to go to work each day and wish I were them.  This was my world, it was what I had always aspired to be.  I spent a cumulative time of 96 months pregnant which resulted in 10 beautiful children and fourteen and counting grandchildren.  I had two early miscarriages.   I spent a cumulative 17 years being a nursing mother, give or take.  I can't even begin to calculate how many soccer games I attended, but enough to see seven of my children play high school soccer and my boys all play University Soccer.   I almost had children in four decades as my first children were born in the 70's and my last child was due on January 7, 2000.  Fortunately, she came a few weeks early.  I anticipated I could have had the first child of the new millennium and could see just the headlines:  Very Old Woman has New Years Baby.  I was 46 at the time.

I wasn't one to just have as many children as I could biologically produce as it might seem.  We didn't wait to have our first child as we had taken the advice of then current prophets to heart.  Our first child, Jeanette was born almost 11 months after our wedding day.  She was a beautiful baby with dark hair.  I had seen her in a dream almost 18 months prior.   I was teaching English at a local Junior High School.  That was a difficult time for me as I was not certified to teach English and it wasn't even one of my favorite subjects.  I was so stressed I didn't have a period for nine months.  One night I dreamed that angels came to administer to me and fix the problem.  Then, in the dream I saw myself deliver the most beautiful, dark haired baby girl, I had ever seen.   In the morning, my period had resumed and a few weeks later, I met her father. 

I thought I had experienced challenging occupations in my young life.  As I had said, I had been a first year teacher and I had also investigated child abuse until the week before she was born.  But, nothing could prepare me for the challenges of parenthood.  Jeanette was extremely fussy as a baby and didn't sleep much day or night.  She would only cat nap.  I remember being  so utterly sleep deprived.  My sweet husband would take her to our unfinished basement and trying to calm her so I could rest.  But, I could still hear her.  Yet, 11 months later, after the colic subsided, we began talking about the next child.  This one would end up being a boy and thankfully, he didn't have colic. 

This blog is not going to be a detailed description of motherhood.  But it is going to be used as a vehicle to share what I have learned during my years of mothering.   This will be coming from someone who isn't awesome, who hasn't survived what others would consider monumental challenges, who doesn't hold a calling or position of renown, who isn't considered popular, talented or gifted.  The only things that qualify me to share is that I have a deep and abiding testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I love being a woman and finally,  I am happy.  During those many years of nursing, I studied the gospel and I also developed a habit of daily journaling.

About 18 years ago, I changed the nature of my prayers.  Daily, I included three requests:  Please teach me what I am prepared to understand.  Please teach me what I need to repent of most at this time and finally, help me determine the best use of my time today.   On the days I sincerely meant those things and even wrote down what I thought I was hearing, I felt a sense of peace and progression.  And there was one more prayer that I uttered early in the year of 2001.  It was:  "Father, whatever it takes".  I gave Him permission to bring into my life whatever challenges and experiences I might need in order to know Him fully and had the potential to lead me to Eternal Life.   I found there was no going back on that request.  I am in that course and it is the toughest thing you will ever learn to love.  I have had challenges that for me were hard to bear.  They are as Neal Maxwell taught, "Designed to wring and wrench us".    During these years, I have summarized some of the lessons I have learned.  It is as if the Lord took every principle I thought I knew and rewrote it for me in my heart.  I learned about parenthood, service, repentance, faith, about Mother Eve, etc. etc.  While it seemed new to me, each principle was clearly written in the scriptures, taught in the temple ordinances and were rooted in the first ordinances and principles of the gospel. 

I won't be sharing deep doctrine, but rather simple doctrines on specific topics.  I'd love your feedback.  Sharing is a crucial component of the gospel.  As a teacher, I learned that principles are solidified in the process of sharing.  Our family also has a blog where we share what we are learning and I invite you to peruse that one as well.  http://anordinarymormonfamily.blogspot.com/

I am so excited to be at the age I am at and as I have said before, immensely grateful for one more day to prepare for Eternity. 

Love, Vicki Robinson