I shared a post today on Facebook that I felt was quite
good. It identified red flags that
indicate when you are in an unhealthy relationship.
My sweet husband of 40 years. Who wears the pants in our family?
Domestic Violence is on the rise. I did a significant amount of research last
semester while attending graduate school on the prevalence
and impact of sexual victimization on youth.
From one study, I learned that more than two thirds of respondents from
a national study given to over 5,000 youth, 12-18 years of age and dating,
reported being victimized by their partner at one point in their relationship
(Taylor & Mumford, 2016, p. 973). This data suggests that youth from all
walks of life, independent of levels of education, family’s access to internet,
renting or owning a residence, whether residing in an urban or non-urban region
of the United States, see violence and aggressive behaviors as a normal part of life.
So, after identifying some of
the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, what can be done if you are in one and even more importantly what are
the signs of a healthy relationship? What if you are married to someone who makes
all the important decisions and considers their ideas to be consistently superior
to yours. Should you run, not walk, to a
divorce attorney? Everyone feels occasionally disrespected or
underappreciated in their relationships.
Sadly, there are individuals who suffer from a Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, where they truly believe all those around them are privileged to be
in their presence and that they pay for that privilege by acquiescing to all their
demands. They also tend to believe that all decisions
they make are right simply because they have made them. If they are the least bit unhappy, then
surely others are to blame. The
following site explains well what may be going on with them and why you feel a
constant need to submit as you walk on eggshells.
On the other hand, in less
serious circumstances, we find that all of us have selfish tendencies that
emerge and we want what we want when we want it. When we question whether the relationship we
are in is dysfunctional, it would also be a good time to look at ourselves. The following quote by Brigham Young always
causes me pause. When I am honest with
myself, I often find my sadness has more to do with my own behavior, use of
time and current attitude than the one I am irked at.
When you. . .
are tried and temped, when parents and children have a spirit come upon them that
irritates them, that causes them to have bad feelings, disagreeable, unhappy
and miserable sensations, causing them to say, “We wish it was some way else;
we wish our circumstances were different, we are not happy.” I desire to tell you that your own conduct is
the cause of all this. “But”, says one, “I
have done nothing wrong, nothing evil?”
No matter whether you have or not, you have given way to a spirit of
temptation. There is not that man or
woman in this congregation, or on the face of the earth, that has the privilege
of the holy Gospel, and lives strictly to it, whom all hell can make
unhappy. You cannot make the man, woman,
or child unhappy, who possesses the Spirit of the living God; unhappiness is caused
by some other spirit, Brigham Young, June 15, 1856, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 3, p. 343.
Is there a place for order in families? I believe there is. I belong to and subscribe to an LDS philosophy
that is not all that popular in today’s world.
I believe that a righteous man should assume a role of leadership in his
family. I believe that children should be obedient to
their parents. Yes, I actually believe
in a patriarchal order, though patriarchy has come to represent all that is
wrong in today’s world. Done well, however,
this system can be functional and sanctifying for both husband and wife and can
still be a partnership where each member is valued and of equal worth. We see
that type of organization in every successful company. There is a CEO for the sake of order and
efficiency. But, a man is a fool if he doesn’t see his
wife as a capable intellectual, spiritual and financial adviser.
Where do we find relief? With all my being, I feel it is in our
personal relationship with God. It is in
that relationship that we can see things more clearly. It is in that relationship that we can get
our errand and know how to proceed. It
is in that relationship that we acquire the abilities to love, forgive and
influence for good.
The measure of our worth is not
in getting others to comply with our requests, not even our children. It is in giving them the best opportunity to
make good choices. Sometimes that
requires difficult conversations. Sometimes it means not reinforcing negative
patterns of behavior or financing those things we are morally opposed to. It certainly doesn’t mean being someone’s
doormat. My life changed dramatically
when I realized I wasn’t placed on earth to please all those about me. It was to learn that my goal should be to please God and when I
keep that focus, I find that truly, His burden is easy and His yoke is
light, Matthew 11:40-41.
